Powerless
by Brynnifer
Summary: Reasponse to KDZL's JJ/Hotch angst challange. If he had only gone with her that day, she would never have ended up in the ICU.


Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will.

A/N: I wrote this in a very short amount of time. I have no beta right now, so all mistakes are mine. I'm sure there are tons of them, I just didn't have time to completely go through this! Hopefully it is okay! This is for KDZL's March angst challenge.

Powerless

It was a terrible feeling, being powerless. He didn't know how to describe it, he wasn't sure there were words to describe the emotions running through him at the moment. Anger, guilt, fear, disturbed at what had happened to his wife; infuriated that he had been unable to protect her.

Now as he sat at her bedside in the emergency room, eight hours after the incident, the phone call that brought him here kept replaying in his mind. Rossi had called him, just a hint of fear in the older man's voice.

"Hotch, you need to get to Mercy ER." A quick pause "It's JJ. Something happened." He had refused to tell him what that something was, only that a patrol officer had discovered her unconscious in a wooded area, only a sheet covering her body. Her wrists and ankles bound, tape covering her mouth, her body badly beaten. It was obvious what had happened.

She had just gone out for a day of shopping, had left him with Jack and Henry. They had planned on redecorating the boys' rooms. JJ had wanted to pick out new furniture, and since the boys were both sick with colds, Hotch had been assigned to babysitting duty. She had only been gone for two hours when Rossi called. At first, the thought wandered through his mind, why had the police called Rossi and not him? When he checked his cell phone, Hotch's heart sank even further into his stomach. They had tried to call, multiple times. He just hadn't heard the phone ring over the boys' movie. By the time Rossi had called, the movie was done and they had fallen asleep. Now, Garcia was with the boys with the promise to call as soon as he knew anything.

"Agent Hotchner?" A nurse stepped in, smiling. "I'm sorry, I just need to check her vitals." She said, not bothering to whisper. He nodded and moved out of the way, allowing the nurse access.

He watched the older woman gently maneuver around the ventilator that was breathing for his wife, watched as the nurse checked where the bastard had shoved a knife into her chest, into her back nearly severing her spinal cord. He turned away when she checked the placement of the intracranial placement monitor. He couldn't see where a neurosurgeon had been forced to drill into his wife's skull in order to relieve the pressure off of her brain, to allow her live.

"How is she?" He asked, sensing the nurse had moved away.

"She seems to be improving, her vitals are getting stronger." She smiled. "Don't count her out just yet."

"She doesn't give in easily." It was JJ not giving in easily that lead them getting together nearly five years before.

A frantic phone call at three AM to his cell phone, a tiny voice that could only come from Henry had sent Hotch flying over to JJ's apartment. Upon arrival he had discovered an extremely intoxicated Will holding a gun to JJ's head. It hadn't taken much, and soon Will had found himself on the ground, a gun to his head with instructions to leave and never come back. In the span of the next two weeks, Hotch had slowly drawn out of JJ what had begun to transpire over the past year of her life. Will had become abusive to her, emotionally, and physically. He had never lain on Henry that she swore to. That night when Hotch had burst into her apartment, she had come home late with Henry and was immediately hit with a pan to her head, sending her flying to the floor, her cell phone skidding out of her purse. Little Henry had seen it, grabbed it, and run to his bedroom before dialing his Uncle Hotch, saving his mother's life.

When Hotch had arrived at JJ's apartment that night, he had seen absolute terror in her eyes, and he had vowed to himself he would protect her and never allow her to feel that terror again. Tonight however, he had no doubt she had felt it.

"Has Dr. Caller been in to speak with you?" The nurse, Maria, asked Hotch as she headed towards the door.

"Just when JJ was out of surgery." It had been briefly and to let him know his wife had survived.

"Okay, can I get you anything?"

"No. I'm fine."

Hotch did not move from her bedside that night. He watched as the nurses came in and out every thirty minutes, the team visited letting him know their UNSUB had been apprehended. A forty-two year old man, Rodger Manning was currently sitting without bail in jail on charges of attempted murder of a federal agent, sexual assault, and numerous other charges.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door and when he looked up he saw a petite redheaded woman standing in front of him, offering a cup of coffee. "I heard you haven't left." Dr. Caller smiled. "It's okay; it's from the lounge, right down the hall. I would have brought you a muffin but they've all been taken."

"Thanks." Hotch accepted the coffee and watched as Caller began reviewing JJ's chart. "She had a great night it looks like. Her vitals are stable; she's improved considerably since I first saw her in the ER."

He licked his lips. "You said yesterday there was a decent chance she would be parlayed from the knife would to her back."

Caller's smiled faded, realizing she had forgotten to go back and explain JJ's injuries to her husband after the surgery. "Yes, the knife nearly severed her spinal cord. Right now she has a very slim chance of walking away." A pause. "I'm not saying she won't, it's just extremely unlikely." "That said, the doctor told him plainly, "there's a lot we won't know until she wakes up."

Hotch shook his head. "Like what?"

"What sort of functionality she's left with... There are several assessments we can't do without her cooperation. While she's like this, that's out of the question.

Hotch stood there, frozen. The doctor's words hitting him like a wall, another brick wall. "She's been unconscious for almost twenty-four hours, is that normal?"

"She sustained a serious head injury, Agent Hotchner. We won't know exactly how serious until she wakes up. When she wakes up, that's up to her." It was essentially a waiting game.

His mind wandered. If JJ was paralyzed, how would he tell her? How would she take it? There would be so much she could no longer do. She could no longer go out in the field; she would be dependent on him for many things. Life had taken a drastic turn for their family. As he looked at JJ, another thought hit him, why did he doubt her so much? Yes, she was probably paralyzed, but that didn't mean it was the end of her life. It meant her life had changed directions, it would be hard, but it didn't have to be so damn depressing. With that thought in mind, Hotch finally allowed himself to fall asleep.

Eight hours and four cups of terrible coffee later, Hotch was awakened by JJ's hand. He opened his eyes to see her trying to pull away her hand away, her eyes weren't open, but she was moving. Acting quickly, he hit the nurse call button and refocused his attention on his wife.

"JJ, you're safe, open your eyes." He pleaded, moving the blonde hair away from her eyes.

"Agent Hotchner?" He recognized Caller's voice, but didn't turn around.

"She was moving around, her hand; she was pulling away from me." He explained.

"JJ?" Caller stepped up to JJ's side. "JJ, if you can hear me, I need you to open your eyes." She grabbed a penlight and shined the bright light into the agent's right eye. Instantly, Caller got a reaction as JJ pulled away. "That a girl, c'mon, open your eyes." She commanded.

It was a fight, one Hotch struggled to watch. He didn't think he could. But Caller remained in control, ordering JJ to open her eyes, in fact, she refused to leave the blonde alone until she the doctor felt confident that either JJ simply was not able to yet, or JJ was ignoring her. Twenty minutes later, Hotch saw his wife open his eyes.

"Welcome back JJ." Caller smiled as she pressed her stethoscope to JJ's chest, careful of the multiple injuries. She noticed immediately how frightened her patient was. "Your husband is here, he's been worried, hasn't left your side." She stopped when JJ's hand went to the tube in her mouth. The doctor gently grabbed her hand stopping the motion. "I'll take it out when I can, okay?"

She was panicked, scared, Hotch picked up on that instantly. Caller wouldn't be able to accomplish anything with JJ terrified of her. "JJ, I'm right here." He gently took her hand and smiled feeling her instantly relax and his voice and touch. He didn't know what to say, but knew he had to say something. "Emily and Garcia are babysitting for us; they are spoiling the boys rotten I'm sure."

Caller shot a smirk at him, grateful that he was able to distract her patient. "Okay, JJ, are you ready for that tube to come out?" It took several seconds, but finally JJ made eye contact with Caller and nodded. "Okay, on the count of three, I want you to take a deep breath and blow out for me." She instructed as a nurse stepped up to help.

Hotch watched as a tube slid out of JJ's throat and she was immediately sent into a violent coughing fit. The nurse slipped an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth. "Just for a few minutes, okay hon?" She instructed.

Caller lowered herself next to JJ, in a non-threatening way. "I'm Dr. Caller." Hotch watched as many things happened all at once. JJ's seemed to never leave the doctor's hands, a nervous habit now. "Do you know where you are?" The blonde nodded after a few seconds. "Okay, where?"

"Hospital." She whispered

"That's right, and what's your name?" It occurred to Hotch right then what the doctor was doing. A basic neurological assessment; she was trying to determine if his wife had suffered any brain damage from the tire iron Manning had hit her with.

He saw JJ look towards him for help. "Its okay if you don't remember." Caller told her softly. "Do you know that man?" She pointed to Hotch.

"I work with him."

Since JJ had woken up that morning, Caller and a parade of other specialists had come in to check on her, including a neurologist. The CT and MRI had come back clear, for that Hotch was more than thankful. What stopped his head though was the test that confirmed his fears. JJ had no feeling below her waist.

Caller had pulled him aside and told him the news, then handed him a piece of paper with a phone number telling him it was the name of a great psychiatrist that dealt with traumatic injuries.

He had walked back in the room to find JJ asleep again, he wondered if Caller had told JJ about her condition. He hoped she had, he didn't know if he could. He had been deep in thought when he noticed JJ's eyes open.

"JJ?" He jumped up.

"Hi." She smiled the smile that made him fall in love with her.

"Hi yourself. How are you feeling?" He gently sat down on the bed, careful of the many tubes, wires still attached to her.

"Tired." She told him. "Where am I?" She whispered.

It had happened earlier; she had woken up twice and asked the same thing, even though they had already told her the answer. "The hospital."

"I… what happened?"

It was the same questions, the same answers. This time though, he decided to challenge her, just a bit. "Do you remember anything?"

She looked at him. "Just the boys were sick; you had to baby-sit them for me."

"Yes, that's right. Anything else?" He encouraged.

She closed her eyes trying to concentrate. "No. Are the boys okay?" She started to panic, Jack and Henry, had something happened to them?

"Yes, they're fine. I promise." He took her hand. "JJ, someone attacked you, a patrol officer found you and they transported you here. "

"What aren't you telling me." She interrupted him, knowing he was skipping around.

"JJ… " There was so much he wasn't telling her, not because he was hiding it from her, but because he didn't know how. "They arrested the man, he is in custody. He stabbed you multiple times." He bit his lip. "A patrol officer found your clothes in a dumpster three miles away." It was the easiest way he could put it, how could he tell his wife that she had been raped?

"Hotch…" Tears were in her eyes, and now his too; for two reasons. She was hurting physically and emotionally. And she had finally said his name.

"I'm sorry JJ, I couldn't protect you, I had no idea, Rossi called me, you were already at the hospital." He was rambling, unable to look her in the eye. "Dr. Caller, she.."

"I know that part." She took a deep breath. "I know, she explained I just didn't know how it had happened." She saw the tears in her husband's eyes, felt her own tears. "Hotch, look at me. You couldn't stop it from happening. Stop blaming yourself." While she couldn't reach for him due to the machines and various other medical supplies She could take his hand. "Life changed, but it didn't end, when that man was hurting me, all I asked was that he didn't kill me, didn't hurt my family. I got that." She was paralyzed but she was alive. "Please, don't blame yourself for this." JJ, even though exhaustion was quickly taking over her, and her husband had sensed that. He had pulled the blanket up to her chin, was softly stroking her blonde hair and wiping the tears off her cheeks. "If you want to help me, stop blaming yourself." She ordered.

"Okay, JJ." He whispered, kissing her. As he watched her fall asleep he realized how right she was. He hadn't lost her.


End file.
